i seriously start to hate the idea of blogging when ppl r reading it... realised tt i hv stopped doing so for quite a long time ya... cos i find tt the more opened up im right now... the more i wan hide from u guys... my frens... dun ask mi why... i juz dun have the courage to face them n tell them... my life starts to get more n more dramatic... is he messing it up or did i choose to mess it up myself?
i juz wan to rant for the moment to relieve myself... pls do mi a favour... not to mention of anything u hv read below to mi or anyone else... cos if u do... i'll hate u...
so many things running in my mind now... i couldnt sleep, couldnt eat, couldnt cry out loudly, couldnt think properly, couldnt see, couldnt feel, couldnt breathe... somebody pls slap mi on my face hard now... i cant even brush my teeth properly w/o crying... n i hv to wake up at intervals at nite crying even tho i juz dreamt of smthg beautiful... wad's happening to mi...
silly thoughts starts to spin ard my head... if i can juz leave everything behind n start afresh... or maybe i can turn senile n forget abt everything... or maybe i can enter Paradise now... *sigh*
my dear cc juz went away n things juz start to get messed up... seems like history will repeat itself again... i fear the days i hv to wake up noeing tt i hv to pretend nothing had happen to mi... i hv to smile when i see him, hv to pretend tt i hv moved on when i hear news of him n his love... things lidat...
i start to shiver when i realised tt its gng to happen again... somehow... my senses r telling mi tt its not gonna make it tis time round... its all Over... i wud rather be stabbed by him physically den emotionally... cos i wud b no different den a living dead...
there're still so many things i wan to tell him... but words juz couldnt pour out when i look at his face... cos i'm feeling the pain his feeling n i noe there's nothing i can say to salvage everything tt has reach to tis pathetic stage...
i dreamt tt we were back together again... immediately when i woke up tt nite... 3.13am... i started to cry again... i didnt noe how long it went... i juz cry myself back to sleep again... i wanted to tell him abt it... but i didnt...
woke up in the morning 9.30am again... started to cry when i start to gain conscience... when to brush teeth n wash my face... life's such a chore...
told myself tt i wan to be back myself again... told myself to b strong... but y humans hv to deceive themselves to make themselves feel a lil more better n trauma over it when they start to realise tt it didnt really work afterall...
i can tell myself to forget n move on... simple task... all i hv to do is to start lying to myself again tt i shud live a doubly happier life den i did in the past wif him... prove to him tt i can make it myself w/o him... n bless him when he rekindle wif his true love of his life...
wad am i to get compared wif... its zilch... nothing... nothing compared to her... i noe there's no use crying over spilled milk... but wad i am hoping now is like trying to get scope all the waters from the ocean with my bare hands... n wad i will be holding on is juz the residue of the waters drained from my fingers...
i wan to float... but the weight in mi is making mi sink deeper in... so deep tt its choking mi up... choking my life up...
i'm like hearing voices again... like those from the loving Father... "why r u bringing urself so many anxieties in life n stabbing urself wif all the pains... turn back... its still not too late..."
sigh... its all my fault... i'm so naive to believe tt miracles r happening to mi... n tt i'm able to handle everything well... i didnt noe it wud be so fast... it all happen so fast tt it scares mi... it scares mi to face my future... cos the fear has blinded mi once more...
i wished i never existed... cos there wun be any different either... or perhaps things might b even better... i duno... am i fool? clinging on to smthg tt doesnt belong to mi... tt doesnt even meant to be mine... n yet still ever hopeful to believe in tt tagline... "true love will always return back to ur side..." tell mi... tt i'm juz plain naive... stupid n foolish... slap mi on my face or wadever... i wun retaliate, instead i wud b thankful... i might wake up from tt slap one day!
argh! i'm such a loser... big fat loser... sigh... a stupid ger... tts mi...
# posted by
mdm |
9/27/2005 11:38:00 AM