Dear cc, i hope ur the only one reading tis... blog buggers r irritating... perhaps i shud create one juz for u ya...
pls reply mi if u get to see tis in phucket, be it when u return to s'pore or wad... guess ur the one whu noes mi best in tis kind of situation...
cc, i cant do it... those qns, u wanted mi to ask... i juz cant bring myself to ask him... i tell myself to let go, n yet if i were to ask him those qns which he cant ans, wads the use... lidat i'm being selfish u noe... we cant b lidat... since they r the ones who still love one another, might as well step out rite... i alr told him i dun mind anything le... so there wun b any turning back now...
u noe mi rite, cc... i m not those sort who easily back up from my words... i dun... altho sometimes i may regret doing certain things, i wun never show it in front of the person i hv marked my words wif... maybe except u...
cc u noe how much i've missed u when ur gone? n how happy i was when i see u online on tues? i simply cry when u reply yes... u noe wad... i guess everything is fixed now... after letting go, next is to move on rite?
mr dinosaur called mi last nite... want to invite mi to his farewell party on fri... n ask mi abt mi n him... he asked mi if everything is alrite now... n i said no... next qn nearly made mi cry... "ta si bu si you gu fu ni le?" ....... n i cried,"uh huh..." the following words arent those swearing words, instead, they were to encourage mi to look ahead n move on happily... mr dinosaur say tt i'm a joyful lady, so i shudnt let unhappy memories blind mi... he even ask mi if i wan to go back to work!!! oh man... i really wanted to crap wif tt dinosaur again... wonder how is goes... he's gonna ask my ex-supervisor abt it again...
cc, today is so much easier den ytd... i slept thru'out the nite for the 1st time till noon! loads of dreams... couldnt rmb most of them, except for one... i dreamt tt my mom pass away for the 2nd time in my life... 1st time i dreamt of tt when i was ard 4-5... i cried so hard in my dream tt i even cry physically... tt time my mom was sleeping next to mi... n it juz so happen tt i knock my head somewhere hard when i turn my head away... n my mom tot i was crying bcos of tt... so she hugged mi dearly n rubbed my head... n i cried even harder...
tis time, the dream was different... the last time i was attending her funeral when her casket is lowered underground... but tis time the news of her death came wif a telephone call... nobody was crying except mi... n i realised tt, i may have hated her so far for treating mi the way it is now... but i still love her dearly in my heart...
next, wasnt a dream... or was i juz day dreaming?.... i was subconsciencly awake at ard 10 plus... i heard his voice saying to mi... "still sleeping huh..." "uh huh..." "ok, go back to sleep then..." n i went back to sleep like a baby again... its like he hv juz woken up n wanted to tell mi smthg.. either he'll be gng back to his mom's office later or he'll not b gng to the salon in the afternoon... but i cant feel wad is it anymore... its like the connection between us is slowly fadding off.....
cc, i'm doing well today... i didnt cry last nite, i didnt cry when i wake up, i didnt cry when i brush my teeth n wash my face... i didnt cry! is tt counted as an achievement so far??
was preparing for my bookstudy last nite... told myself i need to keep myself occupied so i wun think so much... was chatting wif him online b4 i went to prepare... i juz couldnt continue to chat wif him... its like, he's adding on the pain to mi... n the last thing i wud wan to hear from him is telling mi tt i will find a better bf soon... n he really said tt to mi ytd... gosh... i really feel like shaking him hard on his shoulders n screamed at him!!! "Why r u doing tis to mi!!! Have u ever try to understand my feelings for at least a moment???" if he really noe wad i'm feeling now... he shud let mi go too... not see mi ever again... but i cant... one side of mi tells mi to b strong, let go. move on, give him back to her n bless them n never contact wif him again... leave him completely... but the other side of mi tells mi to see him, tok some sense to him, forgive him n even wait for him...
cc, am i very stupid?? youyang say i am so dumb... yea... i really am... i hv no idea wad had gotten to mi... i wan run... run away... but it seems like i'm running stationary... on the same exact spot... everyone's words of console n encouragement juz aids in pushing mi an inch forward... wad i need now... is someone who can hold my hands n run forward to together... but wad if when i am running forward yet turning my head to look back???
cc, zhe mo ban... zhe mo ban???? come back come back.... haiz...
# posted by
mdm |
9/28/2005 12:50:00 PM