wad is tis*

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wad is tis**

sometimes the tv is like a lover
singing softly as you fall asleep
you wake up in the morning and it's still there
adding up the things you'll never be

alright, i can say what you want me to
alright, i can do all the things you do
alright, i'll make it all up for you
i'm still in love with you
i'm still in love with you

Stars* `Heart*

Friday, January 06, 2006

i'm such a fool in so many ways...>

juz finished wif my so-called "encouragement" session wif the 2 christian elders my mom has invited over at my last min notice... wad a clever move... there's no way i can hide... control is always out of my reach...

was told tt they r not there to counsel mi again... obviously i did nothing wrong... n i dun see why in the world wud she wan mi to repent... ridiculous...

i juz couldnt bring myself to speak... all i did was nod n shake my head... cos i was still crying... i feel that i have enuff of her alr... enuff to make mi go crazy...

at one point of time... i actually thought tt i might cry until i faint right there... like when i was once in sch... the only thing i can rmb was tt i was crying then... was accused or smthg... felt so sad tt i was walk back to the class crying... the next moment, i cudnt rmb wad happened... tt was during pre-sch days... still so clear in my mind...

have u ever cry so hard tt u feel u can juz shut ur eyes n fall apart? tts wad i'm feeling now... i wan to avoid tt day's issue... n she keeps bringing it up to remind mi again n again... n have u ever been thru situations when u start crying, u juz cant stop... the same thing keep recurring in ur mind countless times tt wud bring tears to ur eyes...

told some of my frens, i duno how much longer i can hold on to... but i'm still holding on... juz right there... enuff to keep mi gng...

i'm not weak bcos i cant handle things n cry all day long... i cry bcos i'm tired of explaining over n over again... n she juz dun get it! i cant do anything to pls her n the minimal i can do is to remain silent... i wish she can hate mi n leave mi alone n give herself a break...

after doing those outrageous things to the family... she still dun get ppl to click wif her mindset... this seriously tells smthg here... reasoning is bullshit to her, THE WAY is THE WAY... to deviate from THE WAY, ur Wrong... n she? she's always Right...

wad i feel disappointed is tt, we always cant settle disputes in peace and sound reasoning... a 3rd party is always involved... n i hate tt...

n wad i wan to tell her- there's nothing, Nothing u can do now to salvage this mess u have made... n there's nothing i find in u tt can make mi turn back to u once more... i dun hate u... bcos i feel nothing towards u now...

gor once say i'm always doing things tt make mi sad... n i realised i really do... i used to think tt by making urself happy on the outside is only a way to deceive urself from the inside... n i used to think tt the worst thing u can do to urself is to deceive urself... at least now i'm trying to do the opposite... but wad u feel inside is not gonna change overnight...

i'm not a greedy person... but i'm selfish... there r certain things in life i dun ask for more... but there r certain things in life i only wan it for myself... same goes for tolerating her... there r certain things i dun ask for more in her... n there r certain things i juz wish she wasnt wad she really is... n i wish she can learn to let go, forget n forgive...

i noe i cant change facts, n i cant change her... they tell mi to change myself... Cos that's the Right thing to do... But that's Not who i really am alr... n tts not wad i wan to be at the same time...

i guess these are all the pieces of shit that makes mi a grow up now... n makes mi a stronger ger to face up wif another 40 or 50 years of shit in life...

i hereby give thanks to all the Shit i have received all these while n i pray that all these shit will continue to mould n refine mi into a person who is good at handling shit-ss in life... Amen...

# posted by mdm | 1/06/2006 10:19:00 PM

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